Funny?

I do all my own stunts    Ask me anything   

"Mean. But smart."

September 9, 2014 at 11:46pm
2 notes

Resumé

  • What I lack in natural ability/talent I make up for in determination and acne scars!
  • One time I found Candy Cane Joe’s O’s ice cream in the back of my freezer that was completely riddled with freezer burn and I went to the sink to throw it out and then started eating it anyway. Trader Joe’s hasn’t sold that ice cream in almost three years. The aforementioned “one time” was yesterday. 
  • I just sang time “Time After Time” for the third time (after time) today. 
  • I have at one point or another regretted almost every decision I have ever made. 
  • Friends tell me I have exceptional Pig Latin skills, but have been incredibly discouraging when told that I wish to study real Latin. 

September 6, 2014 at 1:36am
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(L)ove is infectious. You know, God is infectious—God flowing through us and us being little-baby creators and shit…Like they said in Step Brothers: Never lose your dinosaur. This is the ultimate example of a person never losing his dinosaur. Meaning that even as I grew in cultural awareness and respect and was put higher in the class system in some way… I never lost my dinosaur.

— Kanye West 

August 15, 2014 at 8:06pm
662 notes
Reblogged from anti-christ-television-blues

She’s pretty and she looked kind of like a weirdo.

— Win Butler, on first being drawn to Régine Chassagne. (via anti-christ-television-blues)

August 10, 2014 at 10:07pm
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This is the story of a squirrel

The other day I returned from the grocery store with my mother toting ten-pound reusable bags on either arm. Tucked neatly behind my family’s other car at the base of the driveway were two premature mammalian lifeforms that looked like dogs that were shorn, bleached, and put through a shrinky-dinks machine [not sure about the proper past-tense here (shrinky-dunked?, shrinky-dank?)] - they were barely the size of a disappointingly slim Taco Bell burrito. I unknowingly arrived in the middle of a wake, my brother and my father accompanying my animal-loving neighbor whose horrific yet awestricken expression made her look like she’d just seen the ghost of Lassie ascending to heaven. Another unfamiliar dog-walker had posted up a shoebox in front of the little critters to shield them from view “in case there were little kids living at the house.” Dog-walker had already picked out a fitting casket and the Animal-lover spoke to having appropriated a spot in her backyard for their burial as she scooped them up with a paper towel. 

I’ve found that these things tend to attract a crowd. Maybe it’s because everyone knows that tragedy+time=comedy and we all want a great story to tell our friends later that week (I say as I write fully self-aware that this may be what I am doing). For whatever strange reason humans seem compelled to feed on the misfortune of others, my neighbors arrived in droves, drawn to the looks of horror plastered on all our faces. Oddly enough, we were all met with relief when we discovered that the animals were, in fact, not premature dog fetuses at all, but rather, squirrel babies. Conversations and speculations petered out from there; while most of us were worried about dead dogs lying in the street, no one really cared about whether or not the squirrels would live [except Animal-lover, who promised to nurse one back to health and attempted to excuse herself to “go burry a squirrel baby in (her) backyard.” Three times].

The truly saddest part of this story came the following day, when I returned home from an outing to find tufts of fur mixed in with leaves and twigs in the same spot on the driveway. My mother was out on the sidewalk, in nearly the same position as the previous day, looking vaguely distraught. When I asked her what had happened, she spun me a short yarn that in my mind turned into the figurative scarf that will be (in all improbability) the plot of the next Disney-Pixar short: she had seen a fully-grown squirrel scamper in and out of the tree above our driveway as if searching for something. It frantically tore apart the leaves and pieces of fur (it’s own fur, mind you), and hurried all around the tree and back down to the bushes at the base. What appeared as a nest for these veritable vermin was a clear 15 foot free-fall from where we had previously discovered the premature barely-breathing babies. And then I knew why my mother was sad. Here were two empty-nesters side by side, the pain of loosing one’s children right out of the womb just as real and palpable as watching them drift away over the course of a childhood, eventually moving away for good. I told her it was all very depressing, we made momentary eye contact, and she agreed, promising to sweep it all away so we wouldn’t have to see it anymore.

Of course, the whole metaphoric resonance of this story is contingent on the reader’s belief that an animal mother is capable of feeling emotions similar to a middle-aged human mother living in the modern world whose youngest child is about to leave for college. So maybe the squirrel babies are just kind of gross and unsightly but whatever man that’s up to you I’m still going to option this to Pixar I mean shit it’s like the next Toy Story 3 or something, I mean can you even imagine how cute the little animated squirrel corpses would be in Dolby digital 3D. 

June 7, 2014 at 6:57pm
233 notes
Reblogged from tortizzle
godknowslife:

tortizzle:

I miss Linn & Giff <3

never not reblog

In honor of her retirement, here’s a post dedicated to the most radical (in every sense of the world) teaching team of all time. So much respect and admiration for these two.

godknowslife:

tortizzle:

I miss Linn & Giff <3

never not reblog

In honor of her retirement, here’s a post dedicated to the most radical (in every sense of the world) teaching team of all time. So much respect and admiration for these two.

May 24, 2014 at 8:15pm
0 notes

As a socio-economically-privileged-biracial-heterosexual-cisgender-woman, some of my biggest struggles in life will be:

  • combating rape culture;
  • proving that my successes in life have come as a result of hard work in spite of inequality due to my race, and not because of some supposed advantage from affirmative action;
  • fighting sexism to make my voice heard in the workplace;
  • striving to be an ally against oppression towards LGBTQQIAA individuals without overshadowing/silencing their voices;
  • navigating life as an individual who is a member of two racial groups and not “half” of anything, and;
  • being able to finish enough of my soy latte before the milk starts to curdle

November 10, 2013 at 2:34am
3 notes

Pumpkin Bomb

To the little hooligans who set off a bomb inside a pumpkin 30 yards away from my house, 

You scared the shit out of me and forced me to acknowledge my neighbors, a few of whom I have described below:

1) A woman who called the fire department, then the police, then went back to her house and asked us to ring her if any of them were cute

2) A man wearing a Golf Wang shirt

3) A girl wearing a sweatshirt expressing her devout love of cats

4) A man who made an inappropriate joke about Russian people (to my Russian neighbors), and would not shut up about Moltov cocktails and Wes Anderson movies. 

So, in short, I hope you’re happy you ruined my Saturday night. 

Sincerely, 

Pissed. 

September 1, 2013 at 1:14am
7 notes
Reblogged from gwenyland

gwenyland:

this heat is more oppressive than a wealthy white hetero cisboy

July 12, 2013 at 1:34am
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Reference humor is the best

because it’s basically a massive inside joke between educated, cultured, interesting people. 

July 11, 2013 at 1:30pm
1 note
Reblogged from gwenyland

gwenyland:

i think i should have spent this summer trying to kick my internet addiction

They say admitting you have a problem is the first step to recovery. “They” are wrong. 

July 1, 2013 at 3:07am
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Watermelon Oreos

A new, weirdly specific racial slur, or a new oddly flavored sandwich cookie? 

June 30, 2013 at 2:07am
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So Flight of the Conchords and Dave Chappelle and John Mulaney and Kristen Schaal and Demitri Martin are going on a comedy tour (!!!!)

Aaaaaaannnd it’s sold out 

June 26, 2013 at 2:02am
1 note

Everything is bigger, more sexist, and less democratic in Texas!

Because who needs rights when you have conservatism and cowboy hats?


Oh wait that’s right me and every other fucking minority on the planet.

Also I will just take the reproductive rights and leave the conservatism. And the cowboy hats. No one looks good in cowboy hats. 

June 16, 2013 at 4:32am
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I am not doing anything of value this summer and I will never go to college

Feeling - thoroughly inadequate

#myspace

June 14, 2013 at 12:30am
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Me: Oh, sorry I was late, I just realized that all the clocks in my house have been running slowly for many years and I think it might actually be detrimental to my health if I change them at this point so.....